Why, what's this? A blog? How queer.

Life can change ever so much over the time that one forgets to blog. I suppose I'll go point by point, to patch over the odd points between then and now.

• I am no longer close to being in love with Ren. I talked to him, found him incredibly kind and understanding, and now he and I are incredibly dear friends. I am exceddingly thankful.
• Hardy and I haven't spoken since I broke up with him. Now that I've had a considerable time away from him I wish I hadn't ended it on such bad terms, as he is a great person and I would be glad to have him as a friend someday.
• My 17-year-old friend in California is now dating the incredible man she's in love with, and their parents are getting used to it. I think they figured "hey, at least she's/he's not a lesbo/fag." The two of them are planning to come visit New York soon, and I'll be thrilled to see them.
• My mother is quietly becoming more accepting of my homo-ness, and "the gays" in general. I told her about my idea for a play which is similar to the Matthew Shepard story, and she said that she loved the idea. I've played two gay characters in plays in the past few months, and she has supported me. I don't think she would be ready for me to bring home a man, but with hope she will eventually.
• Bella and David are not dating, though they remain friends. Bella has been seeing someone else for a while and it is quite serious. David is still single, but is going to a new college where there may be new prospects for him.

I think that pretty much ties it up. I am still very single, and have been on two dates since breaking up with Hardy last September. They both were horrible, the latest worse than the one before. My hope is beginning to wane... not that I ever had much faith in men. Blergh. I'm obviously a tad moody/sad, which is not a mood to write entertaining non-fiction in. I shall leave you now, but with all intents on returning and divulging more juicy details of this single faggot's college life in Brooklyn.
Adieu, and thanks for reading!

All Hell Breaks Loose In 5... 4... 3...

At this point, I could write the script for a soap opera using only events from my and my friend's lives. I finally got it into my thick head that it would never work with Hardy and broke up with him. He was somewhat devastated as he "didn't see it coming". He's an idiot, really. Over the past week I've also been spending time with Ren. I am embarrassingly in love with him, and I don't use the L word lightly. Ren may know that I like him, but he has no idea just how much I feel for him. I have cried over him so many lonely nights. Sometimes tears come out if I just see his picture. Only one other person knows just how deeply I feel for Ren. This person is Jorge, and he has informed me that if I don't tell Ren my feelings for him, Jorge will tell him for me. Jorge is pretty smart because he realizes, unlike my blind self, that I can't go on much longer without knowing if there's even a possibility that Ren may like me back. The next time Jorge sees Ren, he will tell him. Depending on the answer I get, I will either have a nervous breakdown, or a nervous breakdown.

In other news, my 17 year-old friend in California is in love with a boy who loves her back immensely, yet their parents disapprove of them being within poking distance of each other. He's a hunk. She's gorgeous. He's wonderful. She's amazing. He's crazy in love. She's crazy in love. Their parents are just crazy. I'm trying to give her moral support and advice the best I can, but it's kinda hard to hug someone who lives 2,700 miles away. Soon they're going to decide what to do, and I'm not expecting that they'll choose to do what their parents tell them to.

My best friend, who quite conveniently lives in the same city I do, is dating a man she's beginning to despise immensly, and in love with a man who, well, I'll explain. Bella, my best friend; and this guy, David, have some history. They've been dancing around each other for a long while now. The pattern generally goes as such: they'll kiss, they'll not talk for days, then they'll do a little more that just kiss, then they'll get scared and just exist around each other as friends, until they kiss again. Apparently at one point they talked and decided not to pursue a relationship. I would just say they're idiots for not allowing themselves to do what they both want to, but I don't know the reasons why they made that decision so I'll stay out of the way. I do know that Bella's getting more and more lovesick for him; and David is feeling the same for her. But for some reason, the more they want to love each other, the more they convince themselves they can't.

Now since it's MY blog, I'm going to talk about MY life now. I auditioned for a play going on at my college. I got a small part in their rendition of Our Town. There were quite a few students from the school's directing class present at the auditions for the show, and one of them came up to me after my audition and asked if I would like to audition for her show. Her show is her final project for class and she is putting on No Exit. I auditioned, and later got an email saying she cast me in the LEAD role. This will be my first lead role, and the first time I've ever had to memorize more than two pages of lines - this show is 50 pages of lines. I'm thrilled and terrified all at once.

So shows and love is basically all the major events in my life, and it's all building up in intensity quite hastily. Hence the title of this post. And now my inner drama queen is all tuckered out, and I must go snuggle up to my stuffed creature (named Ba-Ba) down under my warm covers on this chilly night. I'm wishing that I could snuggle up to Ren, too.

Eating too much and thoughts of God.

So I am just a total slacker ladies. I was supposed to do homework, buy my galpal a birthday present, breakup with my boyfriend, bake some brownies... so many plans and I did NONE of them. What did I do? I sat around and ate like the fatty I am. I just ate, watched some TV while I ate, and listened to a podcast while I ate. If Lucien here ain't careful, she's gonna turn into a massive lump of chocolate lard, you know like the ones you see in the tabloids. Oy vey, what I am doing talking about myself in the third person. Well, I did nothing of interest today, so we'll just pretend it's yesterday since stuff happened then.

So today (wink wink) I had my wonderfully interesting ancient history class. We talked about the Egyptians and all their smarts, the building of the Pyramids, and how they figured that the dead need to have their fun too. Then I had my break which consisted of eating, chain smoking, and hanging out with my friend in the office of the school's newspaper. Next was my art class, from which I got a project that I have to have done by Monday... easy shit, it's just a matter of doing it. After that I had biology lab... ew ew ew ew EW! I love biology, but this class is hell... it's two and a half hours long with no break. They try to cram so much into you all at once, it just makes my head hurt. And there's a test at the beginning and the end every day... ew ew ew. Enough about the grossness.
My boyfriend - Hardy, the one I'm supposed to break up with as soon as it's convenient - came to pick me up after I was done with classes. I chose to have us eat and hang out with my loud Puerto Rican friends just to irritate him. I love my Rican friends to death but I know that they can irritate the hell out of some people, so I use them to my full advantage. I'm evil, I know.

I've been thinking a lot about the concept of God lately, and my ancient history class is just fueling that thought. I was born in Oregon to a Jewish mother, raised by a far-right conservative Christian father until I was 14 when the parents finally divorced and my mother took me to New York and back to Judaism. I thus have a rather skewed view of God, having seen so many different versions that were all said to be the only right one. Over the past year I've been distancing myself from religion in an attempt to find some grounding. In the past few months I've been weeding out the truth from the lies and beginning to piece together a picture of just what this higher power called "god" is. All I've really figured out is that it's there. I know for me that there is someone out there who could be called God. Now you may say that there's not and that's fine.
This god probably isn't the same one that George Bush refers to, but if he is then God is horribly misrepresented. I really don't know anything, but I am a truth-seeker. I'm at a point where I want to hear everything I can about what everyone thinks about the concept of "god". I want to hear everything that anyone has to say about their belief because I know that anyone who truly believes in something must have valid, thought-out reasons for believing what they do. So if you're a thinking person and you believe that aliens are in some form "God", I want to hear why. I just have a thirst to know everything. Despite how I may have allowed myself to be misled earlier on in life, I've always had an inherent sense for truth. I can pick out and recognize truth when I'm exposed to it, if I allow myself to see things for what they really are. I want to hear everything because every so often something rings true for me. Above all else I'm seeking the truth, and I have a steady assurance that I will find it.

But anywhozenhowzen, this is already far too long, and I should go sleep. Good night everyone, please email me with your thoughts, say hi, whatever - just don't be a stranger. I love you all very much! Toodles!

College is no duh.

So I started school. I'm a journalism major at a college that has a private beach. How awesome is that? But the recent immersion in my collegiate studies is the reason I haven't been posting nearly often enough. For anyone interested, the drama with Ren and Hardy continues on. I'm still terribly in love with Ren, and Hardy is getting more and more attached to me. I'm planning a nervous breakdown sometime soon. Probably after mid-terms. Anyway darlings, I must go now. I have to sleep to get up early tomorrow for school. I'll leave you with some of my mind's pondering. 'Till I see you again.

when nothing satisfies you
loneliness fades every hue
sun sets, subdued
disappear, conclude

liberate burdens borne
arise and freely mourn
sun sets, adorned
unloved, scorned

enveloped by unsullied mist
nearer by infidelity kissed
sun sets, resisted
entranced, existed

through time and space pale
see foundations frail
sun sets, veiled
diminish, exhaled

White sheets and Latin lovers. Ok, lover.

It makes my head spin that there are thousands of American refugees trying to live wherever they can in the wake of a storm that devastated thousands of square miles which this government shamefully neglected to prepare for and still has yet to adequately respond to. There are people opening up their houses to total strangers who now have no homes or jobs for the foreseeable future. I am for the first time unexpectedly disappointed in this administration. This failure has nothing to do with political party, only the sheer incompetence of these elected officials. But enough about that, I'm sure you all know everything I could say already. Suffice to say that my heart goes out to all the victims.

So I spent the night at Hardy's flat for the first time last night. For any new readers, Hardy is the boyfriend and Ren is the secret love. But we're not getting in to Ren in this post. At least I don't think we will be. Anywho, yes I spent the night with Hardy and the dog he's keeping for his neighbour until she comes back from vacation. It was pretty much exactly what I expected it to be. Then again I rarely have improbable expectations. I won't bore or gross you out with the details. I'll just say that it was lovely, despite being at times awkward.
Though I will say is that I actually slept there. I never fall asleep if I'm in my own bed, or alone. For instance, my trip to Washington D.C. with my family last year. The only time I slept out of the entire week was the day I chose to do my own thing. I slept in the hotel room while they were all out, then made up a fantastic story about where I went all day. See, I think it's an issue of safety. I don't feel safe with anyone else around, thus I don't sleep and make myself vulnerable.
But I slept in Hardy's arms. I've known him for a week and a half, and I apparently feel safer around him than I do anyone else. I've only ever slept at one other person's house, guess who - Ren, the secret love. (New reader: Ren doesn't know that he's the secret love, we're just friends.) So I slept peacefully in the arms of my boyfriend for the first time, with a small dog named Amy lying on top of my leg, while trying not to think of the secret love. For godsakes, I can't make this shit up. He woke up up in the morning, insisted on kissing me despite that I had morning breath (aww), and we went to get some breakfast. I walked with him to his job, went home, ran errands, came back home, and here I am this evening.

Well guys and gals, it's been lovely. Thanks for reading, come back soon!

The Secret Drama

Tonight I got a cold taste of the gay monoculture. I went to a bar/club in the city (Manhattan, which us new yorkers just call "the city", because it is, of course, the only city) and there I got fairly uncomfortable. I was there with my shall-we-say boyfriend Hardy (see previous posts) and despite that I was there with him, I felt underdressed in my cargo pants and t-shirt. I felt conspicuous with my black nail polish, sub-par with my unruly haircut, and dirty with my... well... dirty yet comfortable shoes. The looks I got from various people said that I didn't fit in there, and no, I didn't. I don't fit into that scene and I hope I never do. Nevertheless while I was there trying to enjoy being with my boyfriend and getting some drinks, I was all too conspicuous and uncomfortable. It seemed as if people were thinking "What is a trashy boy like him (me) doing with a hottie like him (Hardy)?" After a drink or two I warmed up to the place, some of Hardy's friends came in and I stopped feeling like the odd one out. But I won't forget how I felt there, almost like I wasn't truly "gay" enough for the scene. And as I said before, I hope I never am "gay" enough for that scene. I'm perfectly happy being my own kind of black-fingernail-polish unruly-hair scruffy-clothes gay guy. Even though the black fingernail polish isn't really me, I'm enjoying it for the temporary thing it is. And what's endearing me about Hardy is that he (the hottie that he is) likes me as I am, whomever I choose to be.

So, speaking of the Hardy drama. He doesn't know it's a drama, only I do. Think of it as one of those reality television shows. He asked me the other day to be his boyfriend. Normally I wouldn't agree to such a "status" only having been dating him for a week, but it felt like there was a general understanding: We're both love starved, let's cut the crap and get to it. I do not mean sex, just lovin. We haven't had sex yet, thankfully. All the dates that I have sex with in the first two weeks always go to shit. For example, I've never dated anyone for more than two weeks because I always have sex with them in the first week and we always end it in the second week. I would really like this thing with Hardy to last because he is a truly nice guy, on top of all his other good qualities.

Yet to my dismay, when I kissed Hardy tonight, Ren's face flashed into my head for a brief second. Ren's face came into my head again when a mutual friend asked if it's alright for her to introduce myself and Hardy as boyfriends. In short this boy is haunting me. I don't know what to do with him. I guess all I really can do is find the best way to resolve it for myself. Enough rambling. Goodnight, much love to you all.

This mortal coil

All my life I've had an appreciation for those things that you can't describe with your physical senses. It's been distilled into me by so many life events, traumatic and joyful. I look for what I can't see, I listen for what I can't hear, I reach out and touch that which isn't physical. I always have this conscious knowledge that there's something just beyond everything I can see, but I don't know what it is. I suspect that I only experience it in dreams, which is why it lingers so vaguely in my head while I am awake. In all my spiritual explorations I've come close, touched a part of it, but never the whole thing. In the pursuit of God I got a part, but not enough. In mediation I got a different part, but still not enough. I only seem to be satisfied in dreams. Shakespeare knew of it, his Hamlet spoke of it shortly after declaring the question of "To be, or not to be".

To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.

I'm chasing after what is only seen in dreams, and I can only be satisfied when I have had it known in my conscious state. That kind of searching is what could make someone go mad, I guess. But like the lines in a play I saw recently, "Speak to the mad, for they see what we cannot."